Oh hello, are you after a not-shit website?
Well if so, you've hit the bloody jackpot here, slip your shoes off, open a pot of rich yoghurt and let us continue.
What do you do?
I make websites and design logos and branding and so forth. I shall present you with a few things I have done recently to give you a little taste (like one of those ladies in Marks & Spencer with a tabard and a tray of posh bread bits).
Who are you?
I am a human, raised in the North during the age of cassettes. I have bad hair and even worse haemorrhoids. Will this information help me secure website work? No, no it will not. But I have strict contractual obligations to my sponsor, Anusol™
I started doing this line of work in 1999 prior to the millennium bug. Esther Rantzen warned that society would collapse and my neighbour Jeff went off-grid using 15 carrier bags of assorted batteries and an exercise bike.
Any testimonials?
I thought you'd never ask. I'm riddled with them. I shall furnish you with some of the better ones I’ve written.
Outstanding attention to detail but please stop sending us leaflets on condensation, we’re really not interested
Took away all the complexity and jargon, building us exactly what we needed. Can I have my Gran back now?
Big-city agency-style design at half the price, though it felt unnecessary to meet in public toilets at night
Despite the high-quality work, it felt awkward to hug on completion given that he was only wearing gold speedos
I have worked with lots of companies over the years from large operations like Manchester Airport and BMW, to lovely little start-ups and charities. I even helped out a man called Greg who tried to pay me using pallets of reclaimed bricks and a half-consumed selection box.
What do you charge?
Here are some examples of scenarios and prices so you can get a feel. That way you won’t email me saying “can you do anything for £116 and a signed picture of Melanie Sykes' feet?”
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Logo design
£500 –
£1,000
You’ve come up with a plan to sell CBD infused quinoa from an inflatable roadside tent. You want a well considered black & white logo to stencil on to slow moving vehicles and pensioners backs.
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Brand design
£2,000 –
£3,000
You need to get rid of some unusual 'mannequins' you purchased from a man at Taunton services. You want an identity, colour palette, brand guidelines and business cards to hand out at the next sex convention.
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Web design
£1,500 –
£3,000
You’re just starting out in your career after completing a PhD in medical science. You need a single page website which is both professional and informative, providing comprehensive details on your cat wanking service.
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Web development
£5,000 –
£10,000
Things have gone well. You have a branded smart-car and now need a clever website to help convince more customers they need coconut water pumped up their anus holes by people with no medical training.
Where are you?
Right now I’m trapped in some loft space in Camborne wearing nothing but the top half a pantomime horse though I suspect you’re asking about my business address. The company studios are in Truro, Cornwall.
I welcome guests but unannounced visits could result in you witnessing a man 'enjoying' digital images of a scantily clad Cher. The man would not be me, despite physical similarities. Regardless it might be worth scheduling any meetings to avoid such encounters.
How do I contact you?
I suggest you write to me. You can do this using electronic mail or via the physical postal network. Please address any correspondence to "Gustaf Nippel". I am forced to use a pseudonym at work, I also wear a velcro moustache and hairpiece due to a badly received joke in 2014.
Once I have received your words we can communicate further using devices such as the telephone or even arrange a face-to-face meeting where we will drink coffee and I will make notes I'll never look at again.